Nobody down here but the FBI's most unwanted

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Welcome to volume 2 of Kirsti Rewatches Bad 90s TV!! Volume 1, obviously, was Dawson's Creek. Given that The X-Files doesn't have as much of an ongoing story arc as Dawson's Creek does, I'm ending up with waaaaaaay more thoughts about it. So I figured to save your brains (and eyes), I'd split it into the individual seasons. Don't worry - it's entirely possible that I'll give up when it gets incredibly crappy (i.e. after about three seasons), so there probably won't be too many posts about it!

Anyway.

Here's my thoughts from season 1:

• Ahahahahahahahaha, THE COMPUTERS!! Oh, 1993...
• This really does make a nice change from the completely cheese-fest dialogue of Dawson's Creek. 
• I keep expecting Mulder to channel Sam and Dean Winchester and pull out an EMF meter. 
• Ahahahahahahahaha, THE PHONES!!!!! They're so old school. The landline phones as well as the mobile phones.
• Even their glasses are hilarious.
• Okay, I still love the theme music. Even if the actual credits are dodgy 90s nonsense.
• SETH GREEN! Playing a flannel-wearing stoner! Awesome.
• Awwww. Cameras that use film.
• OMG. I just figured out why the "golden" contact lenses in Twilight creeped me out. Because they remind me of Eugene Tooms... *shudder*
• Wow. There's almost no paperwork involved for these two. Working for the government must be SWEET in fiction land!! 
• OMG. Scully. You are wearing WHITE PANTIHOSE. Whyyyyyyyyyy?!?!?!
• Haha, the blue screening in this show is terrrrrrrrrrrrrrrible. Like when Mulder's apparently phoning Scully from a casino in Atlantic City. Except they've blatantly just put a phone booth in front of a blue screen and used stock footage of a casino. 
• The outfits are so amazingly 90s. Scully is wearing a suede waistcoat with high waisted jeans. Lol forever.
• Mulder just requisitioned a car to get from FBI Headquarters to the Smithsonian. DUDE. It's like a 10 minute walk. It's going to take you longer than that to find a freaking parking space!! And to fill in the paperwork to GET the car in the first place.
• Uh. This woman? Doesn't have a computer on her desk at work. HOW DO YOU GET ANYTHING DONE???
• This artificial intelligence computer is amazingly awful. Like HAL 9000, only with multicoloured flashing lights...
• Felicity Huffman! And the guy who played Rack in Buffy! In one episode!! AMAZING.
• Creeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepy small children... It's like they're a requirement for shows about the paranormal. Supernatural is FULL of them.
• Uh. They just explained what IVF is. That's how old this show was. There was the possibility that people wouldn't know what it was.
• MARK SHEPPARD!!!! I swear, he's in every show I love. Firefly. Supernatural. Doctor Who. EVERYTHING.
• Hahahaha, Scully's dad calls her Starbuck. That's the worst nickname ever.
• Okay, what the hell kind of prison lets prisoners roam around at night by themselves as they wish? #CONFUSED
• Wheeeeeeee, the Lone Gunmen! They're brilliantly ridiculous.
• This werewolf episode. It's AMAZING. It's like Twilight, only BETTER. Because there are no stupid sparkly vampires. And the werewolves keep eating people. Okay, so I guess the only similarity is that there are native Americans who turn into werewolves, and it rains a lot. And there's a mountain lion. I'm sticking by my theory.
• I remember this episode about the creepy glow-in-the-dark bugs that eat people being much creepier than it is. Shame... 
• Hurrah, Skinner! The show felt incomplete without his giant shiny bald head.
• Aaaaaaaah, the days when people could smoke in offices.
• Scully, WHAT ARE YOUR SHOULDER PADS??? And why are you wearing white stockings with a beige suit and a bright purple trenchcoat??? *head explodes*
• THE HEAD DIPPED IN LIQUID NITROGEN AND THEN SMASHED ON THE FLOOR SCENE!!!!!!! 
• Janice from Friends! Being a police officer! In yet another episode about a creepy kid! 
• Eugene Tooms, you are quite possibly the creepiest creeper that ever creeped. You're like Edward Cullen, but instead of sparkling, you rip out people's livers with your bare hands...
• Seriously, what the hell were my parents thinking, letting me watch this at the age of 13???? Some of time is scaring the crap out of me at the age of 29! 
• Uh, Mulder? You're kind of a sleaze bag...

I'm almost finished season 2, so that will be following shortly. I'm honestly not sure if it's getting more or less watchable...

"Scully, I thought you said this map would help us find a decent storyline??"
"It's alright for you. My back hurts from lugging these shoulder pads around."
Also, source.

The fashion is getting worse, that's for sure!

Did you watch The X-Files back in the day? Have you watched it since? If so, were you able to quote massive chunks of each episode along with the cast, or was that just me??? (Seriously, that happened. It was kind of creepy. I had no idea I remembered so much of it...)

K xx

30 Days of Books - Day 8

It's been absolutely freaking arctic in Canberra for the past couple of days. Yesterday, it was NINE DEGREES at 5pm. But there was a wind chill, so the apparent temperature was 4 degrees. Jeebus... Anyway, on with the books!!

Day 8 - Most overrated book

As with the last one (which I decided meant "a book everyone should read"), I'm choosing to interpret this as "a book no one should read". I've read an awful lot of crap books over the years, most of which came from the library, thankfully. But most of those were too obscure to be considered overrated. So I decided to go with the most obviously overrated book I could think of (as far as I'm concerned, anyway):

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Twishite and its sequels of doom. (Sorry, Gina. I know you love it!)The writing is awful, the characters are annoying, and comparing someone to marble is generally not considered a compliment... I know some people adore it (my sister-in-law is about to turn 40 and is all "OMG, EDWARD CULLEN IS THE PERFECT MAN!!" *shudder*), but I just don't see the appeal. I mean, Edward Cullen is a creepy, mopey stalker.

And let's be honest - Buffy and Angel did angsty teen vampire-human love WAY before and WAY better than Edward and Bella... (Oh, and for the record? I read all four of the books, and thought they were all universally appalling. I also read them well before the movies came out, so my opinion of the characters isn't because of the terrible acting courtesy of RPatz, KStew and Taylor Lautner. I thought they were crap WELL before that!)

K xx

Day 01 - The best book you read last year
Day 02 - A book you've read more than 3 times
Day 03 - Your favourite series
Day 04 - Your favourite book of your favourite series
Day 05 - A book that makes you happy
Day 06 - A book that makes you sad
Day 07 - Most underrated book
Day 08 - Most overrated book
Day 09 - A book you thought you wouldn't like but ended up loving
Day 10 - Favourite classic book
Day 11 - A book you hated
Day 12 - A book you used to love but don't any more
Day 13 - Your favourite writer
Day 14 - Favourite book of your favourite writer
Day 15 - Favourite male character
Day 16 - Favourite female character
Day 17 - Favourite quote from your favourite book
Day 18 - A book that disappointed you
Day 19 - Favourite book turned into a movie
Day 20 - Favourite romance book
Day 21 - Favourite book from your childhood
Day 22 - Favourite book you own
Day 23 - A book you wanted to read for a long time but still haven't
Day 24 - A book you wish more people would've read
Day 25 - A character you can relate to the most
Day 26 - A book that changed your opinion about something
Day 27 - The most surprising plot twist or ending
Day 28 - Favourite title
Day 29 - A book everyone hated but you liked
Day 30 - Your favourite book of all time

What an epic shitfest...

Disclaimer: Okay, kids. If anyone has any plans to see Red Riding Hood, I recommend you turn away now. Cos I'm gonna give away the entire plot...

So last night, I went to my housemate's birthday drinks at a bar/restaurant in the city. Well...*I* would call it the city. According to Canberra, it's in a different suburb to the city, even though it's a five minute walk from the dead centre of town. Anynobodygivesashit, I drank a pint of pear cider in about 15 minutes on an empty stomach and had a very nutritious dinner of beer battered steak fries with tomato relish and sour cream, and bruschetta. What's that? Oh, my plan to lose 2 kilos by my birthday is going swimmingly, thanks for asking.

So after that very healthy dinner, I wandered into town to meet up with Laura for the movie. I'd pretty much abandoned all hope for the movie when I read that it was directed by Catherine Hardwicke of Twilight Twishite fame. And within the first 30 seconds of the movie, it was really obvious that she was behind it. Long sweeping panoramas of Twilight-esque forests (intersected with shots of random castles in an attempt to indicate that the setting was Germany. Although there were subsequent things that suggested to me that it was Scandinavia not Germany...) and music that was supposed to sound haunting. What I *wasn't* expecting was to see that this guy was one of the producers.

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Seriously, Leo? I mean, you've done some epic shit in your time (Titanic for one, in my opinion), but associating yourself with this? Fail...

So the basic story is that Bella Valerie (Amanda Seyfried) is trapped in a love triangle. She's in love with the poor woodcutter, Jacob Peter (Shiloh Fernandez, who was actually on the short list for the role of Edward Cullen), and has been since she was a kid. But her parents want her to marry the rich blacksmith (apparently blacksmithing pays really well? I got nothing. But everyone keeps going on about how rich he is), Edward Henry (Max Irons, son of Jeremy), who not only looks like Edward Cullen, but appears to be wearing Edward Cullen's leftover contact lenses. See?

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Their village is plagued by a werewolf, which for years has been kept placated by offerings of livestock every full moon. But one night, it kills Valerie's older sister. The men of the village hunt the wolf to its cave in the mountains, where Henry's father is killed. They return home with the head of the wolf on a pike, only to have evil beasties hunter Father Solomon (Gary Oldman) turn up and be all "Dudes, that's not a werewolf. That's just a regular wolf. And I'd totally know, cos my best friend is a werewolf and I'm an Animagus and spent every full moon for years making sure he didn't kill people wife turned out to be a werewolf and I had to kill her. See? Here's her hand in a box." (SERIOUSLY). He then explains that it's a dangerous time because there's a blood moon (aka Mars is between the sun and the earth, making the moon appear red.) And a blood moon is the only time the werewolf can create another wolf. At any other time, the bite is just a bite. But during the blood moon, if you get bitten, you're all kinds of fucked. Also, Father Solomon sports some seriously creepy silver fingernails (check out his third and fourth fingernails below) for the killing of werewolves:

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Anyway, the villagers are all "Whatevs. We're holding a dance to celebrate killing the wolf." Peter tries to make Valerie jealous by dancing with one of her friends, so she grabs her friend and skanks up the dance floor in return. Then Peter and Henry get in a fight. Then Peter and Valerie almost bump uglies in the granary. Then the wolf arrives and goes batshit crazy, killing a bunch of people. Valerie and her Ginger BFF run from the wolf but then get cornered by it. The wolf can apparently speak to Valerie telepathically, and it's all "I know this village blows. Come away with me and I'll spare everyone." She's all "WTF, dude. You're a TALKING WOLF. Ooooh, and you have BROWN EYES. CLUE!!!!"

Anyway, the wolf eventually leaves when some of Sirius Black Father Solomon's soldiers turn up and Valerie's all "Ginger BFF, please don't tell people I could talk to the wolf, they'll think I'm a witch.", and the Ginger BFF is all "No worries, dawg, I got your back!" Until Father Solomon decides to torture her brother, who's got some kind of a developmental disorder, by locking him in a giant metal elephant and lighting a fire under it. Then the Ginger BFF is all "Release my brother and I'll give you the name of a witch", and Valerie gets clapped in irons. Oh, and she also discovers that EVERYONE IN THE FUCKING VILLAGE EXCEPT HER HAS BROWN EYES. Yeah...

At some point in there, her grandmother (Julie Christie), who lives in the woods outside the village, has dreadlocks and totally looks like she's escaped from a hippy commune in California presents her with a red cloak (which, as always, makes no sense to me because in medieval times, only prostitutes wore red - "Here, dear. Isn't it pretty? It'll make you look like a whore") as an early wedding present. Here's Hippy Granny:

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Father Solomon, who's already proved himself to be batshit crazy by the carrying around of his dead wife's hand, the torture of the Ginger BFF's brother and the fact that he killed one of his own soldiers after he got bitten by the wolf, decides that he's going to set a trap. So he chains her to the sacrificial altar wearing a metal mask shaped like a pig head. I have no idea why. Her incredibly boring love interests band together to free her by setting fire to a whole lot of stuff and using the smoke as a cover. But Father Solomon busts them. Peter gets himself locked in the giant metal elephant, and Henry gets an arrow in the shoulder while he and Valerie are running for the safety of the church. Cos werewolves can't step on consecrated ground, apparently.

Blah blah, the wolf turns up and kills more people. The wolf also bites off Gary Oldman's hand and one of his own soldiers is all "Ha ha, you got bitten by the wolf. Time to die, douchebag." (I totally expected him to skip around singing "I killed Sirius Black" when he did) The wolf tries to get to Valerie by stepping onto consecrated ground and burns his paw before running off cos the sun's rising. So now she's on the look out for someone with a burnt hand. Then she has a dream with the whole "Grandmother, what big teeth you have" thing in it, and runs off to her grandmother's house because *clearly* that means her grandmother's in danger. On the way there, she runs into Peter, who's been missing since the second wolf attack. He's got a glove on and asks her to run away with him, and she's all "OMG, YOU'RE THE WOLF" and stabs him.

She gets to her grandmother's house, and her dad (played by Billy Burke of Twishite fame) is there. He's all "Oh, hey, kid. I'm the werewolf and I killed your grandma. And your sister. And half the village. Whoops!" He then does the stereotypical explain-my-motives thing that movie villains ALWAYS do. This gives Peter (stab wound and all) enough time to turn up and threaten him with an axe. Cos he's a woodcutter, so he carries an axe everywhere. Of course... Sheriff Swan Whatshisname attacks Peter, until Valerie's all "Hey, dad. I've got a present for you" and is standing by the door all innocent like, holding her basket. This gives Peter a chance to THROW HIS AXE INTO THE DAD'S BACK. At which point Valerie pulls GARY OLDMAN'S SEVERED HAND OUT OF HER BASKET and stabs her dad with the hand's creepy silver fingernails.

But of course, that can't possibly be the end. No, no. The dad somehow bit Peter, so now he's going to be a werewolf. But instead of killing himself to protect the village from the curse, he's all "I'm going to go away for a while until I can control myself." and she's all "I'll wait for you." They cut the dad open and fill his body with rocks (which, ew) and dump it into the river. Peter leaves and Valerie moves into her grandmother's creepy house in the woods to wait for him to come back. And Henry decides to take over Gary Oldman's kill-the-evil-beasties squad. Cos you can TOTALLY trust guys who've shot you with a crossbow...

Ahem. So obviously, the plot is a trainwreck. And the script is awful. Cheesy lines abound throughout, and on several occasions, I went "OH COME ON!!" at the screen. It snows constantly, and yet Valerie wanders around in a thin cotton dress, occasionally with short sleeves. Unfortunately for you, this was the only picture of her wearing short sleeves that I could find:

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(This is the beginning of the aforementioned almost-bumping-uglies-in-the-granary scene.) Max Irons really does look like he's wearing Edward Cullen's leftover contact lenses, and he acts about as well as Robert Pattinson. Shiloh Fernandez has a permanent sneer on his face:

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The acting (with a couple of exceptions) was wooden. The final reveal on who the wolf is was anticlimactic because they'd done so many red herrings with so many different characters (except that one) that I was sick of the whole thing. And the CGI for the wolf is pretty terrible. The only redeeming feature was, as always, Gary Oldman, who's not afraid to go "You know what? This is a piece of shit. But I'm gonna embrace the fact that it's really awful and just roll with it!" Basically, I spent most of the movie wishing that the wolf would eat the three main characters to save me from the torment. There were several moments where half the audience laughed and then simultaneously realised that they were serious. (Or Sirius, depending who was on screen...) Plus, I never really understood why the entire population of the village didn't just go "Okay, I'm sick of losing all my best livestock to a wolf. Let's get the hell out of this dump." They had a budget (apparently) of $42,000,000. God only knows where it went...

I know some people liked it. There are a bunch of reviews on IMDb and Rotten Tomatoes going "I don't get why people think it's rubbish, I thought it was AMAZEBALLS". But I've got no fucking clue what movie they were watching. I give it 2/10. And one of those is because of Gary Oldman... Basically (at the end of this thesis length post)? Save your money and rent it when it's a weekly release...

K xx

Seriously??????

Yesterday, I came across this: http://www.theage.com.au/lifestyle/people/robert-pattinson-named-the-worlds-sexiest-20100820-12xrk.html

Oh. Dear. God. Are these people serious???? Not only are four out of the top five from the appalling shite that is Twilight (including Robert Pattinson, who is pretty much the greasiest, most disgusting man on the planet), but JUSTIN BIEBER MADE THE LIST????? He's FOUR!!!!!!!

Oh well. At least my future husband, Jake Gyllenhaal, made the top 20... ;)

K xx

Things I don't understand

So next Friday night is the work Christmas party. And apparently when it comes to my work, there's always a theme involved. This year, the theme is "green museum" - to be interpreted as the attendees see fit. Suggestions on the invitation included dressing as Kermit the Frog or buying an outfit from an op shop. I was planning on interpreting the theme as "wear something somewhere on your person that's green", and was going to cover that with a green hair ribbon. But apparently in museum world, that's insufficient commitment to the theme...

Last weekend, some of the curators decided that all of us need to wear hideous green dresses purchased at op shops - ideally, ugly bridesmaid's dresses of the type sported by Buffy, Willow and Tara at Anya and Xander's wedding in season 6. In case you're not a Buffy fan, they looked like this:

Yep, her face pretty much says it all... *shudder*
Anyway, it seems that the general idea with the Christmas party is to humiliate one's self as much as possible. And not in a Bridget Jones drunken singing type of a way. But in a "wearing the most Godawful outfit you can find" way... Which I really don't understand. But I guess there's not a lot I can do to avoid it.
Anyway, the whole thing has led me to thinking about other things that I don't get. Mostly in terms of fashion, but a couple of other random things as well. So here's a list of things that I can't for the life of me understand the appeal of:

• Harem pants. Seriously. You look like you've pooped yourself. How is this a good thing??
• Maxi dresses. Unless you're a complete stick insect (and sometimes even if you are), they make you look pregnant. So shop assistants? Please stop recommending them to me on the basis that I'm tall.
• Man leggings (also known as meggings). Unless you're a ballet dancer or a professional footballer at training, there is absolutely no reason for men to wear leggings. For that matter, unless you're a ballet dancer or at the gym, there is absolutely no reason for women to wear leggings. Basically, leggings should be reserved for fitness situations only. [Note to self: burn all photos of 10 year old me wearing sky blue leggings with giant pink flowers on them. The horror, the horror]
• Wedge heels. They're just ugly. It's amazing the number of pairs of shoes I see in shops where I've gone "Ooooh, they're cute! *picks them up to study them closer* Urgh. Wedge heel... *walks away shaking head*"
• Crocs. They're a crime against nature. They *might* be acceptable if you're doing the gardening or washing the dog. But never EVER in public. I saw a man in the city yesterday wearing a three piece suit and purple Crocs. I nearly died of horror.
• Short shorts. Unless you're a size 6/8, you have no place wearing these. And even then, they should be limited to summer. I saw a girl last winter who probably weighed a hundred kilos wearing short shorts. Her thighs were blue and strongly resembled cottage cheese. It's just not right...
• Animal print trousers. Why???? Dear God in Heaven, why????
• Ugg boots. They might be comfortable. But why the hell do I have to listen to you scuffle around in them like you're wearing paper bags on your feet?
• Coloured fishnets. Cos nothing says class like a business suit with lavender fishnets. Which I actually did see the other week... *shudder*
• Ed Hardy anything. Freaking try hards.
• Sushi. Raw fish and seaweed? Where do I sign up??
• iPhones. I'm sure they're endlessly entertaining, but I just don't get why you need a device that can make lightsabre noises (with the right application, of course) but takes half an hour to work out how to make a phone call...
• Yoga/Pilates. I'm sure it works for some people (hi Mum!), but I just feel like the instructors are sitting around planning the classes by going "Hmmm, how stupid can I make them look this week?" Plus, they all seem to have forgotten how frequently humans need to breathe. If I paid attention to how often the instructors told me to breathe, I'd die from lack of oxygen...
• Edward Cullen. a) he's seventeen and most of those obsessed with him are not. It's creepy. b) he's a total stalker. It's creepy. c) he's a complete misogynist who thinks he knows what's best for the ever annoying whatsherface. It's creepy. d) he's voluntarily chosen to repeat high school for nearly a hundred years. That's SERIOUSLY creepy. e) he glitters in sunlight and drives a Volvo. That's just freaking hilarious...

This is by no means a complete list of things I don't understand (the stock exchange and how to do my tax return to name a couple), but it covers the major points. Course, I shouldn't exactly judge people on their fashion choices, having once sported this delightful outfit:
Oh. Dear. God... (To be fair, it was for a 70s costume party but still...)
;) K xx