Movie Monday - 27 Dresses

Um, hi. It's been a while since I've done Movie Monday courtesy of getting distracted by other things... And now let's jump back into it with a cheese-tastic rom com!

Reasons why 27 Dresses is awesome:
1. Katherine Heigl. She may have gone off-the-rails-bonkers in recent years and made some TRULY terrible choices of roles, but this one is definitely her best.
2. Bennie and the Jets and incredibly wrong words.

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3. Vindictive slideshows.
4. James Marsden. Okay, so his character is really squinty and wears sneakers all the time, but he's pretty hilarious.
5. The sarcasm.

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6. Smiley face pancakes.
7. Malin Akerman. Okay, her character is pretty awful for the majority of the movie, but she's got a good heart.
8. Accidentally screaming swear words at a 50th anniversary party.

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9. Judi Greer. I love her in pretty much everything she's in, and this is no exception.
10. PUPPY!! The dog is stupidly cute.
11. The ridiculous parade of dresses.

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12. The end credits in newspaper form.
13. No, but seriously. So. Many. Ugly. Dresses.
14. Making all the brides wear their ugly bridesmaids dresses at her wedding.

Plus, the following quotes:
- "I feel like I just found out my favourite love song was written about a sandwich."
- "Wanna find the ugliest stuff in the store and register Tess for it?"
- "What about you? You don't have any needs?" "No, I don't. I'm Jesus."
- "Do you also go around telling small children that Santa Claus doesn't exist? 'Cause someone needs to blow that shit wide open."
- "What the hell is that??" "Theme wedding." "What was the theme? Humiliation??"
- "Must be so hard to watch your younger sister get married before you." "Yes. Then I remember that I still get to have hot hate sex with random strangers and I feel SO much better!"
- "Who was that and where can I get one?"
- "Love is patient, love is kind. Love means slowly losing your mind."
- "You tell him the truth or I will." "No, you won't. You wouldn't hurt a fly and you definitely wouldn't hurt me, I'm your sister." "That was yesterday. Today you're just some bitch who broke my heart and cut up my mother's wedding dress."
- "Can you PLEASE find someone else to be creepy with??"
- "You got them champagne glasses and a bottle of Cristal." "Any way she's actually gonna believe it actually came from me?" "Maybe. Wrapped it like a car ran over it." "Nice touch."
- "Oh, I'm a really very good...caulker."

So. Thoughts? Love it or hate it??

K xx

Movie Monday: Bridesmaids

Honestly, I'm surprised I didn't cover this months ago. Because it's freaking awesome and I could quite possibly watch it once a week for the rest of my lifetime without getting bored.

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Reasons why Bridesmaids is awesome:
1. Kristen Wiig. She's phenomenal.
2. The flight to Las Vegas.

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3. The friendships. They're amazingly real.
4. Melissa McCarthy
5. The trip to the bridal shop.

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6. Trying to get Rhodes' attention by driving past a hundred times.
7. Maya Rudolph.
8. The awful dresses.

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9. The completely and utterly ridiculous bridal shower.
10. Rose Byrne. She's not usually a comic actress, but she does a pretty spectacular job.
11. Free puppies. I would kill to go to a bridal shower that came with free puppies.

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12. Climbing over Ted's front gate.
13. Sort of attending bootcamp.
14. Chris O'Dowd.

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15. Cupcakes.
16. Rebel Wilson and Matt Lucas.
17. Awkward engagement party speeches.

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18. Don Hamm. He does douchebag so well.
19. Fights with teenage girls.
20. Megan's attempts at getting Annie out of her funk.

Plus, the following quotes:
- "This is so awkward. I really want you to leave, but I don't know how to say it without sounding like a dick."
- "You read my diary?" "At first I did not know it was your diary. I thought it was a very sad handwritten book."
- "I'm glad he's single. Because I'm going to climb that like a tree."
- "Oh, you live in Milwaukee? Oh, I'm sorry."
- "Help me, I'm poor."
- "This is such a stone-cold pack of weirdos, and I'm so proud."
- "I've seen better tennis playing in a tampon commercial."
- "Why are you smiling, Annie?" "It's the first time I've ever seen you look ugly. And that makes me kinda happy."
- "He was really sweet and nice and cute, so naturally I ran out as fast as I could."
- "I cracked a blanket in half."
- "I think I overcommitted with the whole dog thing..."
- "You have three seconds to get back to your seat." "You can't get anywhere in three seconds, you're setting me up for failure."
- "You're, like, the maid of dishonour."
- "We'd like to invite you to no longer live with us any more."
- "Shit, that is fresh."
- "Look at that fucking cookie!"
- "Why can't you just be happy for me and then go home and talk about me behind my back like a normal person?!"
- "I'll fix you a tuna fish sandwich." "Mom, it's eight in the morning..." "You can put syrup on it!"
- "It's a good tub. I slept in there on my 30th birthday."
- "I am NOT paying for this shit."
- "You are more beautiful than Cinderella! You smell like pine needles and you have a face like sunshine."

So. Do you over-relate to this movie too? Or is that just me??

K xx

Boston to Colorado - the "a boob grope and a wedding" edition

My last day in Boston dawned grey and miserable. After breakfast, Paulie and Kat left for the airport and the train station respectively. I had plans to head downtown and finish the Freedom Trail, because my flight to Colorado didn't leave until 5.30. But when I saw how terrible the weather was, I headed straight for the Starbucks attached to the hotel and stayed there. But it wasn't a total waste of time - I wrote this post. 

Thankfully, I was able to catch a shuttle from the hotel so that I didn't get drenched dragging my suitcase the kilometre to the train station. I successfully managed to navigate my way to the airport without any issues, and checked in straight away so that I didn't have to haul my suitcase around with me. Lunch was at some kind of sports bar/burger place. The waiter felt the need to talk to me at great length about his cousin who lives in Wollongong. I tried not to laugh at his pronunciation. Americans: always putting the emphasis on the wrong syllable. 

After I'd finished my 5,000,000th burger since setting foot in America, I got in the queue for security. I got sent through one of the new fangled backscatter x-ray machines. Upon getting out the other side, the TSA lady told me to wait. She listened to her earpiece thing for a second, and then went "I need to pat down your...chest...area." Apparently the combination of my necklace and the underwires in my bra meant that the machine thought I was a Fembot. 

Not me. Also, source

Who doesn't love getting their boobs groped by a total stranger at an airport? OH WAIT. EVERYONE, THAT'S WHO.

Thankfully, the airport in Boston has free internet if you watch an advert or do a survey, so I was able to kill the remaining hour eating a ridiculously large quantity of Ricola cherry cough drops in an attempt to quell my constant coughing, and do internetty things. The flight back to Denver was uneventful. They showed one of the dumbest movies I've ever seen - Midnight in Paris. I don't know how it's been received elsewhere, but the critics here are RAVING about it. All I can think is that these critics were high when they saw the movie. Or paid off by Woody Allen to say nice things about it. Or maybe they were on whatever happy pills they give all the teenage employees at Chick-fil-A. Seriously. Those kids act like they're working at a classy restaurant, rather than a fast food place. Okay, so they sell amazeballs waffle fries, and I kind of wish they'd open here so that I could get some right now, but that's totally besides the point. I swear to God, the kids who work there are on something. They're entirely too happy and content with picking up other people's rubbish... Holy random pointless tangent, y'all. What was I talking about? Oh, right. Midnight in Paris. I hated all the characters, the plot was ridonkulous, and I wanted to punch Owen Wilson in his stupid face. But, you know, it passed the time until we got to Denver, so I shouldn't complain too much...

Lyndsy picked me up from the airport, and we'd just gotten onto the freeway when a moth flew in front of my face. I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but I HATE butterflies and moths. They freak me out. Like, majorly freak me out. There's a distinct possibility that I may have flailed and screamed and generally done this:

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Yeah. That happened. Kudos to Lyndsy for not driving off the road/into another car and killing us... (And sorry for scaring the crap out of you, Lyndsy!!) Oh, and no, I didn't break into Eye of the Tiger at any point #jokesthatonlysupernaturalfanswillget

The evening was spent sorting out what stuff we needed to take to Colorado Springs with us the next morning. Apparently that included one of Lyndsy's cats:

The next morning, we got up bright and early, piled into the car, and drove down to Colorado Springs. Upon arrival, we headed straight to the mall to meet Megan, the other bridesmaids, the flowergirls and the mothers to get our nails done. By some miracle, I managed to avoid mangling mine before they were dry. SCORE. From there, it was off to lunch at Olive Garden where, being me, I ordered some kind of pasta with five millionty different cheeses on it. It was pretty awesome. From there, it was off to the church for the rehearsal. There was a gorgeous view from the church across to Pikes Peak, which of course I neglected to take photos of... #fail The rehearsal dinner that night was at a German restaurant. The food was pretty awesome, but I was kind of perplexed as to why they had a video promoting Italy playing on the TVs in the background. 

The day of the wedding dawned bright and sunny. Megan and two of the bridesmaids picked me up to go to the hairdresser at about 9.00. We stopped at Starbucks for breakfast on the way. Pumpkin spice latte (or hot chocolate, if you're me): Breakfast of champions... While the two bridesmaids headed off to do their own hair, Megan and I (because I'm incompetent and can't do my own hair to save myself) settled in to let the hairdresser work her magic. It was definitely memorable:

Hairdresser: Do you want me to tease it up a bit at the back to give it some volume?

Me: Sure, I guess.

Hairdresser: Okay!

Me: [a minute later] But only a little. Not like Tracy Turnblad or anything!! 

Not how my hair looked. Also, source.

Me: ...and oh my God, this girl was such a BITCH!

Hairdresser: No fair! With your accent, it even sounds classy when you say 'bitch'...

Megan: *snorts*

From there, it was off to the church to get dressed. Considering I didn't have to walk down the aisle in front of a ton of people like the others did, I spent some time running "Can you go and tell the groom...?" errands and taking photos and eating doughnuts fruit lots and lots of fruit because I'm health concious like that. *looks guilty* Eventually, I frocked up (which included "Hey small child, can you go and get Lyndsy for me?" because I couldn't do my dress up all the way by myself...) and grabbed the programs, and headed out to man my post as door bitch guest book attendant. I did feel quite a lot like I was manning the entrance to a nightclub, because as people signed the guest book, I gave them free drink cards for the reception. Obviously, everyone loved me as a result. Especially the groomsmen when they found out I had a stack of leftover cards.

It was a gorgeous ceremony, although I *did* have a small moment where I thought the deacon was going to break into "Every Sperm is Sacred" from Monty Python's Flying Circus. Thankfully for all concerned, he didn't. 

QUIT BEING SO ADORABLE, ALL OF YOU.

The reception got off to a good start with me going "OH MY GOD, I WANT TO KNOW IF GEELONG ARE IN THE GRAND FINAL ARGH ARGH ARGH!!!" and Lyndsy's husband looking it up on his iPhone for me. Bless him. Somehow, that led to us using a bunch of the spare free drinks cards and watching Youtube videos of footballers getting injured while waiting for the bridal party to arrive. 

The reception was fun - no dancing or cheesy music, and Megan just laughed when she saw me sidestep during the bouquet toss. Plus, who doesn't love cupcakes?! 

Courtesy of Lyndsy, who thought to take photos of the cupcakes while
it was still light outside...

I'm pretty sure *all* weddings should be that laid back. And, ya know, have cider on tap #justsaying ;)

Next up, the final instalment of my trip, which features autumn leaves, elk, hauntings and mozzarella sticks! 

K xx

PS. Congratulations to Megan and David, even though it's like two months after the fact!! <3


UPDATE: Here's me looking all hot and stuff. Thanks to Megan and David for letting me use the pictures!! You're the bestest friends I've ever flown half way around the world to see get married <3

It's a nice day for a white wedding

And it was - Sunday turned out to not be cloudy with showers as predicted earlier in the week, but sunny and warm. I'm not sure the groomsmen appreciated the "warm" part, considering they had to stand around at the altar for 20 minutes before the ceremony even started, but the rest of us sure did!

Anyway, to start at the beginning, I went out to the venue for a little "here's where you stand when" session on Saturday morning - the rehearsal was Thursday night, and I didn't get to Melbourne until Friday lunchtime. That was all pretty straight forward, although I wasn't particularly thrilled to learn that I was the first one to walk down the aisle - it caused me some degree of stress relating to how fast to walk and exactly how far over I needed to stand... Then Saturday afternoon, we went for mani-pedis. I begged and grovelled for them to please not touch my cuticles, which they seemed very perplexed by. The woman kept stopping in between every step and going "NO cuticles??" with a really confused look on her face.

Here are the nails:

Oh, and I neglected to wear thongs/flip-flips/jandals (I think that covers all possible confused readerships?), which meant I was given a pair of these to go home in so as not to ruin my freshly painted toenails:

The carpet they're on is dark green. That's how bright they are...

Classy, no?

The ceremony wasn't until 4.30 on Sunday afternoon, but I was up and at 'em ("Up and at them" "No! 'Up and atom!'" Aaah, The Simpsons. Always applicable...) by 7.30. We started the day with croissants and fruit before the hair and make up side of things kicked in at 11.00. That finished just in time for me to lace Em into her dress before the photographer arrived at 2.00. Then it was a whole lot of having photos taken in every possible permutation of bridesmaids before the car arrived at 3.15.

Yes, that's a stretched Rolls Royce

Then it was a 45 minute drive out to the Dandenongs (and let me tell you, riding backwards in a limo in the Dandenongs is not especially fun...) to the reception centre. The ceremony was gorgeous (apparently I walked down the aisle rather faster than was necessary, but oh well!) - Matt teared up during his vows, which made all the groomsmen cry, which made all the bridesmaids cry... The only downside was that I was standing on grass and my heels kept sinking, so I was slightly terrified that I'd suddenly pitch over backwards! But thankfully, I escaped unscathed, and the ceremony went off without a hitch (besides the celebrant calling me Kristy.............).

Obligatory photo of me in my dress

After the ceremony, it was a world of photo taking. The photographer made Em and Matt stand still, while the rest of us had to run around them in circles. It was FAR to strenuous an activity to do in 6cm heels. Especially when the running was followed by shots where we had to jump in the air, Toyota advertisement style...

The reception seemed to go very quickly, and I didn't cry or throw up during my speech - definitely a plus I think! The food was really nice, and it finished up with a dessert buffet. Total genius. Mini desserts = getting to try one of everything. And not feeling guilty about trying one of everything!

Mmmm... Lemon tart, chocolate tart and berry ice cream

Then it was all over - I avoided the bouquet toss (sorry Em, I know you're probably disappointed in me!), and didn't put my piece of wedding cake under my pillow (seriously, who came up with that tradition??). So, congratulations to my beautiful, wonderful friends Em and Matt - I love you to death and you deserve every happiness that life has to offer!

K xx

All my bags are packed...

Okay, that's a bit of an exaggeration. But I have actually STARTED packing, which is better than I usually do! This weekend is probably going to be crazy stressful. But it's also going to be pretty damned exciting. Because Sunday is Em and Matt's wedding! I'm flying to Melbourne at lunchtime tomorrow. Then tomorrow afternoon, I have a Skype date with the lovely Kat. Amongst other things, we're going to try and nail down some plans for our trip to the US in September!!

First thing Saturday morning, I'm heading out to the reception venue with Em so that I at least have some *vague* idea of what'll be happening on Sunday (yes, there's a rehearsal. But it's tonight and I'm still in the 'berra). Then Saturday afternoon is apparently mani-pedi time. I'm slightly scared of that bit because I haaaaaaate having my cuticles pushed back and don't like strange people touching me. But I'm sure it'll be okay (she says, hopefully).

Sunday is the wedding. I have to make a speech. In front of 120 people... o.O Thankfully, it's less than two minutes of speaking in public, and I don't have to speak first or last, so there's *slightly* less for me to stress about!

Monday features a post-wedding lunch, and a Skype date with Sara who's FINALLY arriving home in the UK after two months travelling through Asia *is jealous* And then Tuesday is flying back to Canberra again.

I'm also desperately hoping to fit in a wee spot of shopping. Because SWEET MOTHER OF GOD, I have absolutely nothing in my wardrobe. And when I say that, I mean that my choice of work clothes consists of two pairs of trousers, two pairs of jeans, three shirts, three tops and two summer dresses. And my non-work clothes consist of the above plus five very nerdy t-shirts. And when it comes to shopping, Canberra is like living in a small country town. So I'm very much hoping that while I'm in the big smoke, I can find a couple of things to at least make me stop feeling like I live in Groundhog Day...

Basically? Wish me luck. Because I have a feeling it's going to be a LONG (and awesome) weekend!

K xx

A traumatic film and 'Validation'

Today was kind of a suckfest (but don't worry if you think this is going to be another misery rant - there's a cheerful note at the end!). I had seriously bizarre dreams and woke up confused. Plus, my BFF Sara left Australia this morning to head home to the UK via six weeks in Asia. She texted me as she was boarding the plane to say that she'd hidden a present in my bedroom when she was in Canberra a couple of weeks ago, and that promptly turned me into an emotional wreck.

Then at lunchtime, I headed into the city to do a spot of shopping and get Bridesmaid's Dress Number 1 altered. I got as far as the bus stop before realising that I'd forgotten a) my bus pass, and b) something I bought a couple of weeks ago that I went to put away recently only to find that it still had the security tag on it. Great... And then I got stabbed with a pin while BD #1 was being fitted *sigh*

I thought the afternoon would pick up when I went to see Black Swan, which I'd been looking forward to since I heard about it last year. But dear GOD, was it traumatic. I'd read that it was a thriller, rather than a straight out ballet film, so it's not that I wasn't expecting it. And don't get me wrong, Natalie Portman was absolutely brilliant as the tortured prima ballerina struggling to find her dark side for a role. But it was possibly THE most disturbing film I've ever seen. In terms of disturbing characters, Portman's Nina is pretty much on a par with Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction... O.o I won't give anything specific away in case people haven't seen it.

My overall verdict? It was really good, and it deserves to win any awards that it receives. And I would definitely recommend it, as long as you know what you're in for. But I don't think it'll be going on my list of things to buy on DVD...

Aaaaaanyway, I came home feeling quite uneasy and more than a little weirded out. But then something suddenly made it all better. Someone had posted this video on Facebook and, seeing as it starred TJ Thyne, who I love (even though he's four feet tall... Okay, fine. He's 5'7". It's still pretty short...), I sat through all sixteen minutes of it. And I'm so glad I did - it was very VERY worth it.

So, if you've seen Black Swan recently and are still weirded out, watch this. It'll make things better. And if you've not seen a traumatic movie recently, watch this anyway. At the very least, it'll make you smile!

K xx

Going back to my roots

So this week? It sucked. A lot. Work seemed to drag on for about a month (which everyone I've spoken to seems to agree on), and I could relate to one of my favourite Scouting for Girls songs more than usual:

The weather was miserable, I got drenched several times due to horizontal rain, and my hair bore a more than striking resemblance to Hermione Granger's. Again... But mostly it sucked because I had to say goodbye to my BFF Sara - her visa's up at the end of the month, and she's spending a couple of weeks traipsing around the country in a camper van before heading home to England. There were tears on both sides, and then I had to go and sit through a whole day of work feeling generally miserable and distracted.

And then yesterday, I took bridesmaid's dress number 1 into the city to be altered, only to have them to tell me that they wouldn't alter it unless I was wearing the bra I plan to wear on the day. Which I wasn't. So I had to cart bridesmaid's dress number 1 home again. And managed to cut my shoulder TWICE on the coat hanger. Seriously. I have no idea how. There was blood and everything. See?

Aaaaaaaanyway, when Sara was in Sydney a week or so ago, she went to the terracotta warriors exhibition, and bought me this:

So yesterday when I got home from the bridesmaid's dress saga, I decided it was time to go back to my archaeological roots for some excavation.

Here's what you get in the kit:

All the essentials for archaeological work! Or not... Archaeology would have been MUCH more fun if you'd been guaranteed of finding an intact object in a lump of dirt that small...

Being a freak who didn't want to get covered in plaster conscientious museum professional, I broke out the latex gloves and some baking paper to simplify clean up and got to work:

Archaeology is much more fun when you don't have to use a trowel and worry about giant spiders crawling out of the dirt to attack you! I hacked away the plaster at one end until the top of the warrior's hair was revealed, then set to work with the brush:

I got as far as his entire head, and then realised that it would be too hard to keep going that way, because I'd have to keep turning it over to hack bits off the other side.

So I went with destroying the plaster on the front, which led to a Han Solo trapped in carbonite effect:

Gotta love anything that lets you make Star Wars references! Shame his hands aren't right for it to be Han Solo... Hacking the plaster off the back was a lot less time consuming than the front.

Once the plaster on the back was removed, you have to brush the whole thing down thoroughly (which really needs to be done in a well ventilated place, unless you like the taste of plaster dust...)

And then dab it with a damp cloth. That part was kind of a pain, but the rest was good fun. If archaeology had been anything like that, I might have considered staying an archaeologist!

He's going to have pride of place on top of my TV with the Jack Skellington my brother got me in Asia a couple of years ago, and the Ron Weasley figurine Sara got me for Christmas!

K xx

Dear 2010, where the hell did you go?

I finished up work for the year this afternoon. It was VERY exciting. But where the smegging hell did 2010 go to?????? I swear to God, we should only be up to about Easter... o.O

Anyway, 2010 - the year of text writing - is over. Christmas promises catch ups with old friends, family, and my puppy, who apparently had a tooth out today and keeps finding that his legs collapse underneath him because the anaesthetic hasn't worn off properly yet... Oh, and one very important catch up - my BFF Kat arrives in Melbourne from Auckland on Friday morning. Shenanigans are planned. Shenanigans involving Thai food and a chocolate tour of Melbourne. It promises to be complete awesomeness. And deliciousness... Mmmmmmmmm, Thai food. And Koko Black. Hells yes...

2011 should be an interesting year - we start installing the objects in the gallery in January, and we're due to open in the middle of the year. In addition to The Year of Opening, 2011 is clearly going to be the Year of Weddings. There's E and M's wedding in March, at which I'm a bridesmaid (as mentioned here). That one's in Melbourne. Then I'm a bridesmaid for Ness in November. That one's in Adelaide. And then there's my bestie Megan, who's getting married in September. THAT one is in America. Colorado, to be specific. And I'm going to do my darndest to get there for it!! Hell, I'm due for an overseas trip. Maybe I'll stop off in Auckland on the way and see Kat for a few days!

So a wonderful Christmas to one and all. I'll apparently be spending Christmas Eve icing gingerbread and making cupcakes - a nice restful break!! :S

K xx

PS. My housemate, D, officially knows me too well. She just presented me with a Prince of Persia calendar. A year of Jake Gyllenhaal?? Hells to the yes........

A milestone

One year ago today, I went to see 'Julie and Julia' with my friends from work, L and L. I came home, sat down on the sofa with my laptop, and started a blog. Yes, folks. It's my (as much as I hate the word) blogiversary today!

It's been quite a year. I've started working full time again. Been to Thailand with my BFFs Nessa and Kat. I've baked FAR too much for my own good, and fobbed as much of it as possible off on other people. I've convinced Sara to get a 12 month visa and hang out in Canberra for a year (mwahahaha!). I've been to Tasmania twice, the Lachlan Valley once, Sydney twice, and my beloved Melbourne ten times (although on two occasions I didn't leave the airport).

I've been asked to be a bridesmaid. I've moved house to somewhere much closer to the city, much more convenient, and with a much nicer housemate. I've learnt some rather disturbing facts courtesy of our weekly trivia night (did you know that the world record for the most number of children a woman has given birth to is 69? She was pregnant TWENTY SEVEN TIMES... In 18th century Russia. And died, not in childbirth, but at the age of 80. Insane...). I've discovered Ashes to Ashes, Gavin & Stacey, 30 Rock, and True Blood. I've conquered pastry crust, yeast-based baking, and cupcake decorating. I've bought an SLR and taken my rather crappy photography to the next level.

I've hit 'Publish Post' eighty five times, including this one. Oh, and I'm planning something special for my 100th post, when I eventually get there. So stick around. There's plenty more snark, sarcasm, and chocolate where the last 12 months came from....................... ;)

K xx

PS. Dear Guy at the Bus Stop Yesterday,
Really? When you left home in the morning you thought a navy suit and tie on the top half, complete with pocket handkerchief, and MAROON TROUSERS that were an inch too short on the bottom half was the way to go?? Dude... Everyone on the bus stop had "WTF??" expressions. It's time for a wardrobe review...

A cautionary tale

Right. Due to popular demand, here we have what I hope will be the most embarrassing story ever to grace this site. It's more than a slight segue from the usual baking, but considering everyone I've told it to has more or less wet themselves laughing and then told me I need to write a blog post about it, here we have it.

Several weeks ago, I went shopping for wedding dresses with my lovely friend Em. But we started off the trip with bridesmaids' dresses. The first two Em had me try on were quite nice, although we declared that $350 for a bridesmaid's dress seemed more than a little excessive. (Slight tangent - that shop, which was by no means illustrious - had bridesmaids' dresses up to EIGHT HUNDRED DOLLARS!) They were nothing near the colour that Em has in mind, but as an example, they served their purpose.

The third dress, however, was where things got...interesting. The dress in question was fairly hideous - it was a red satin thing with an empire-ish waistline and a v-neckline. Em had basically decided that a style like that wasn't going to work anyway, and when I put the dress on, it was confirmed. The zipper wouldn't do up all the way, which I assumed just meant that I was slightly too fat for the dress. Turns out, not so much.

When I went to take the dress off, the zipper wouldn't so much as budge. As it wasn't done up all the way, I took the straps off and twisted the dress around so I could see what I was doing. At which point I noticed the zip had actually come off the dress on one side. And as a result, it wouldn't come undone, regardless of how much I tried. So I stuck my top back on and my jeans back on and, with the dress around my waist, headed out of the fitting room in search of assistance.

Em tried to get it undone, unsuccessfully. So we called over one of the staff to ask for help. She was (in my memory, which may be erroneous) about four feet tall, and told me - rather forcefully - that I should just take it off over my head. Weeeeeeeeeeeeell, I'd already tried that myself without success. Obviously... And I pointed this out accordingly.

She declared that it was possible, and dragged me back into the fitting room. There, she made me stand with my arms in the air like a little kid while she yanked at the dress. And when mere yanking failed, she started shoving - punching might not be considered hyperbole - at my boobs in an attempt to get the rather fitted waistband closer towards my head.

She did eventually succeed, but it was the longest five minutes of my life. During which time Em ran to the other end of the store so I wouldn't hear her laughing (I don't blame you Emmy, I probably would have done the same!!), and during which I was paranoid that they'd have to cut me out of the hideous thing and then make me pay for it. It didn't come to either of those, but it was a bit hit and run for a minute there.

So the lesson learnt is this: when trying on rather unattractive red satin bridesmaids' dresses, ALWAYS check that the zip isn't broken. Because you too might find yourself trapped in a fitting room with a tiny Asian woman groping you in an attempt to get you out of the aforementioned dress :S

Here endeth the humiliation...

Crossing her fingers that she never has to repeat that experience,
K xx

The rules for appointing groomsmen

So for those of you who don't know, my wonderful friends Emily and Matthew recently got engaged - congratulations, my lovelies!!! Anyway, Em's asked me to be a bridesmaid. So you can no doubt expect many posts relating to wedding related dress/flower/venue/band hunting over the next nine months or so.

Anyway, at their engagement party on Saturday, Matthew came out with a pearl of wisdom that I feel needs to be shared. He told me that while he hasn't yet asked any of his friends to act as a groomsman, he's developed a theory for appointing said groomsmen. And it is as follows:

- You need one groomsman who's eloquent, and who makes a speech at the reception.
- You need one groomsman who's trustworthy and won't lose the rings.
- And finally, you need one groomsman who's kind of an arsehole, but who can organise one hell of a bachelor party.

Seems fair enough to me! I wonder if the same applies to the appointing of bridesmaids............

K :) xx

Things I don't understand

So next Friday night is the work Christmas party. And apparently when it comes to my work, there's always a theme involved. This year, the theme is "green museum" - to be interpreted as the attendees see fit. Suggestions on the invitation included dressing as Kermit the Frog or buying an outfit from an op shop. I was planning on interpreting the theme as "wear something somewhere on your person that's green", and was going to cover that with a green hair ribbon. But apparently in museum world, that's insufficient commitment to the theme...

Last weekend, some of the curators decided that all of us need to wear hideous green dresses purchased at op shops - ideally, ugly bridesmaid's dresses of the type sported by Buffy, Willow and Tara at Anya and Xander's wedding in season 6. In case you're not a Buffy fan, they looked like this:

Yep, her face pretty much says it all... *shudder*
Anyway, it seems that the general idea with the Christmas party is to humiliate one's self as much as possible. And not in a Bridget Jones drunken singing type of a way. But in a "wearing the most Godawful outfit you can find" way... Which I really don't understand. But I guess there's not a lot I can do to avoid it.
Anyway, the whole thing has led me to thinking about other things that I don't get. Mostly in terms of fashion, but a couple of other random things as well. So here's a list of things that I can't for the life of me understand the appeal of:

• Harem pants. Seriously. You look like you've pooped yourself. How is this a good thing??
• Maxi dresses. Unless you're a complete stick insect (and sometimes even if you are), they make you look pregnant. So shop assistants? Please stop recommending them to me on the basis that I'm tall.
• Man leggings (also known as meggings). Unless you're a ballet dancer or a professional footballer at training, there is absolutely no reason for men to wear leggings. For that matter, unless you're a ballet dancer or at the gym, there is absolutely no reason for women to wear leggings. Basically, leggings should be reserved for fitness situations only. [Note to self: burn all photos of 10 year old me wearing sky blue leggings with giant pink flowers on them. The horror, the horror]
• Wedge heels. They're just ugly. It's amazing the number of pairs of shoes I see in shops where I've gone "Ooooh, they're cute! *picks them up to study them closer* Urgh. Wedge heel... *walks away shaking head*"
• Crocs. They're a crime against nature. They *might* be acceptable if you're doing the gardening or washing the dog. But never EVER in public. I saw a man in the city yesterday wearing a three piece suit and purple Crocs. I nearly died of horror.
• Short shorts. Unless you're a size 6/8, you have no place wearing these. And even then, they should be limited to summer. I saw a girl last winter who probably weighed a hundred kilos wearing short shorts. Her thighs were blue and strongly resembled cottage cheese. It's just not right...
• Animal print trousers. Why???? Dear God in Heaven, why????
• Ugg boots. They might be comfortable. But why the hell do I have to listen to you scuffle around in them like you're wearing paper bags on your feet?
• Coloured fishnets. Cos nothing says class like a business suit with lavender fishnets. Which I actually did see the other week... *shudder*
• Ed Hardy anything. Freaking try hards.
• Sushi. Raw fish and seaweed? Where do I sign up??
• iPhones. I'm sure they're endlessly entertaining, but I just don't get why you need a device that can make lightsabre noises (with the right application, of course) but takes half an hour to work out how to make a phone call...
• Yoga/Pilates. I'm sure it works for some people (hi Mum!), but I just feel like the instructors are sitting around planning the classes by going "Hmmm, how stupid can I make them look this week?" Plus, they all seem to have forgotten how frequently humans need to breathe. If I paid attention to how often the instructors told me to breathe, I'd die from lack of oxygen...
• Edward Cullen. a) he's seventeen and most of those obsessed with him are not. It's creepy. b) he's a total stalker. It's creepy. c) he's a complete misogynist who thinks he knows what's best for the ever annoying whatsherface. It's creepy. d) he's voluntarily chosen to repeat high school for nearly a hundred years. That's SERIOUSLY creepy. e) he glitters in sunlight and drives a Volvo. That's just freaking hilarious...

This is by no means a complete list of things I don't understand (the stock exchange and how to do my tax return to name a couple), but it covers the major points. Course, I shouldn't exactly judge people on their fashion choices, having once sported this delightful outfit:
Oh. Dear. God... (To be fair, it was for a 70s costume party but still...)
;) K xx